Getting your shy girl to open up

In most cases, women love to communicate with their friends. They are often the ones to start conversations or talk to you until they’re blue in the face.

But has this ever happened to you? You’re out on a date and stuck staring at each other across a table—or when you’re at a bar looking everywhere but at one another because you don’t know what to say—and you find that your girl’s motormouth seems to have dried up completely. Worst of all, you can’t think of anything to say, either. What do you do?

If the girl you’re interested in is shy, you may find it almost impossible to connect, especially if you’re not that great at communicating yourself. It’s going to be up to you to draw her out of her shell.

Everyone can understand the roots of shyness, because most people have passed through a shy point in their lives themselves. Shy girls are often very unsure of themselves in social situations. They may want more than anything to have an intimate, close relationship, but they’re afraid of the consequences if they do. They get paralyzed by the fear that they’ll screw things up, embarrass themselves, and experience the worst kind of rejection. So, they get extremely self-conscious every time anyone approaches them. The safest bet, they think, is keeping their mouth shut.


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You will probably find it difficult to break through to a shy girl when you just meet her. Take things slowly and don’t come on strong. If you make it clear that you’re interested in her, she may feel frightened and back off. Your first goal should be to establish a friendship with her so that she feels okay about allowing you into her comfort zone. Ideally you’ll have the opportunity to see your shy girl over a period of weeks or months. Never push things. Patience is essential with the shy girl. Your goal should be to desensitize your shy girl to your presence by gradually building a level of comfort between you.

So how do you do that?

Start by getting her familiar with you by smiling and saying hi to her every day. You may wish to drop observational comments that don’t require a response from her, then turn your attention away immediately to something else. That way, she won’t feel any pressure. Shy girls are great observers, so have long conversations with people in close proximity to her, so that she can listen in without having to participate. This will show her what sort of person you are—a person who isn’t the kind that will reject her.

Once you sense that your shy girl associates your presence with something good—maybe she starts smiling back at you, or maybe she responds to your comments with a nod of agreement—it’s time to make the first move.

Since shy girls are often better at activities than talking, tell her that you’ve been dying to play miniature golf recently, and she looks like the sort of girl who’d be good at it. Would she be your partner?

This sort of request doesn’t sound like a direct, “Would you go out on a date with me?” A more subtle approach is always best with the shy girl. If she knows that she won’t be put on the spot and have to talk, she’ll probably be more than willing to accompany you. On your first date, don’t stress too much if she’s uncommunicative. With a shy girl, it’s going to take more time.


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After a good comfort level is established, try to get to know her a bit better. The best way to do this is ask her questions about things she’s passionate about. Many shy people don’t bother speaking because they don’t think that others will want to hear what they have to say.

With the shy girl, you have to be a good listener and coax her out. Ask questions she cannot give a yes or no answer to. For example, instead of asking, “Do you like to swim?” ask, “Where’s your favorite place to swim?” Every time she can answer your question easily, she’ll build more confidence. Avoid questions that are too open-ended, like, “Why do you like swimming?”

It will take more time and effort to develop a relationship but a shy girl, but the rewards can often be worth it. Just be aware that you need to accept that the shy girl may never change. If you expect that your relationship will revolve around parties, the social scenes, and hanging out with friends, you may have to ask yourself whether she’ll really feel comfortable participating in your lifestyle.


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